4 Varieties of Harmful Communication
Couples communicate in various ways. However, they often engage in communication that damages their relationship instead of strengthening it. Here are four of the most common ways that communicate in destructive ways.
1. Competing to Win.
One of the most common forms of harmful communication occurs when couples are focused on winning. In this scenario, the aim is not to resolve conflicts through respectful and understanding discussions. Instead, one or both partners view the conversation as a contest and employ tactics designed to emerge victorious.
Strategies employed to win the argument include:
- Making the other person feel guilty: “Oh, my God, I don’t know how I tolerate this!”
- Using threats or forceful language: “Will you just be quiet and listen to me for once?”
- Persistent nagging to wear the other person down: “How many times have I told you to take out the trash?”
Part of attempting to win involves diminishing your spouse. You might perceive your partner as stubborn, hateful, selfish, egotistical, foolish, or childish. The aim of your communication becomes forcing your spouse to acknowledge your superior knowledge and perspective. However, this approach never truly results in a genuine victory. While you might achieve a degree of submission, it comes at a significant cost: the loss of authentic love in the relationship, leading to a loveless, dominant-submissive dynamic.
2. Institing on Being Right.
Another frequent type of harmful communication arises from the human inclination to want to be right. To some extent, everyone desires to be correct. Consequently, couples often engage in the same argument repeatedly without resolving anything. One partner might exclaim, “You’re wrong!” while the other responds, “You just don’t get it!” The other partner might then say, “No, you’re wrong. I’m the one who does everything, and all you do is point out how wrong I am.” The first partner retorts, “I point out your mistakes because you are wrong, and you just don’t see it!”
Couples who have a need to be right never reach the stage of resolving conflicts because they can’t relinquish this need. To let go of this desire, one must be willing and able to view oneself objectively, a task that few can accomplish.
Confucius said, “I have traveled far and wide and have yet to meet a man who could bring judgment to himself.” The first step toward breaking the right-wrong impasse is to be willing to admit you may be wrong about something. In fact, you might be incorrect about the very things you are most certain about.
3. Failing to Communicate.
Sometimes couples stop communicating together. They internalize their feelings, leading to actions rather than verbal expressions. People stop communicating for various reasons:
- They fear they won’t be heard.
- They don’t want to make themselves vulnerable.
- They suppress their anger, believing the other person isn’t worth it.
- They assume that talking will lead to an argument.
As a result, each person lives independently, sharing important matters with friends but not with each other.
When couples stop communicating, their marriage becomes hollow. They may go through the motions for years, possibly until the end. Their feelings, as mentioned, are acted out in various ways: by not talking to each other, by discussing each other with others, by a lack of emotion or physical affection, by cheating and numerous other behaviors. As long as this continues, they exist in a state of marital purgatory.
4. Faking Communicate.
Sometimes a couple only pretends to communicate. One partner initiates a conversation, and the other listens and nods, appearing to understand completely. Both are merely pretending. The partner who initiates the talk isn’t truly interested in a dialogue but rather wants to lecture or pontificate, expecting the other to listen and respond appropriately. Meanwhile, the listening partner isn’t genuinely engaged but pretends to listen to keep the peace. “Do you understand what I’m saying?” one asks. “Yes, I understand completely,” the other replies. They repeat this ritual periodically, but nothing gets resolved.
After these superficial talks, things may seem better for a while. They pretend to be a happy couple, attending parties and holding hands, receiving compliments on how happy they appear. However, this happiness is just for show. Eventually, they fall back into the same patterns and need another pretended conversation. Neither partner wants to delve into genuine honesty because pretending feels safer. Thus, they continue to live a superficial life.
5. Aiming To Hurt.
In some instances, couples become downright vicious. It’s not about being right or winning; it’s about causing harm to each other. These couples may have initially fallen in love, but over time, they’ve grown to hate each other. This type of destructive behavior is often seen in couples dealing with alcoholism, where they spend night after night hurling insults, sometimes in the most vulgar ways. One might say, “I don’t know why I married a foul-mouthed jerk like you!” and the other might respond, “You married me because nobody else would take a stupid moron like you.”
In such marriages, communication is at its lowest point. People who argue by belittling each other typically suffer from low self-esteem and mistakenly believe that putting others down will make them feel superior. They are caught in a cycle of conflict, using it as a distraction from the emptiness in their lives.
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